In Need of Tactics to Build Bridges With My Ex
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Question:
It’s been over a year since I retreated from what was my most precious relationship ever. We had instant chemistry. I loved his mind, amazing kindness and good looks.
I’ve long realised that I stupidly threw away what I had because of my work problems. Now my career has become more settled.
Time has not been the healer I’d expected, but that’s because we were soulmates. It gets harder all the time to deal with the sorrow I caused, especially as we’ve both stayed single since our sudden split.
As there’s been absolutely no communication, it’s finally time for me to try and make peace with my ex-boyfriend to see if he can trust me again to revive our romance. What steps should I take?
C, Ottawa, Canada
Love Doctor’s Answer:
As you were the one responsible for the break up, it is appropriate for you to offer an olive branch. It’s always a dreadfully sad experience when a couple split, particularly if only one partner decides on this.
Frequently the person who was dumped is left confused and in anguish. This tends to result in meaningless relationships, including a rebound, to prove to themselves that they are worthy of being loved.
When there’s an unexpected ending, the injured party can desperately chase their ex in a bid to try and make them change their mind about the current scenario. Yet the more one person chases, the quicker the other runs.
Reaching out for birthdays, Christmas and the new year should have been made by both of you in order to maintain mutual respect. Even an occasional gift in the post would have been acceptable, and much better than being totally ignored.
You need to not only get your ex-boyfriend to forgive and forget, but you must attempt to rebuild his trust in you. Walking out on him will have bruised his heart and battered his self-esteem.
BEING SOULMATES MATTERS
Yet he will no doubt embrace hearing from you if he too believes that you were eternal soulmates, particularly if you suggest meeting up. You must tread with trepidation and focus the communication to be about him, rather than the hurt caused and the pain you have been sadly experiencing.
The beauty of arranging a rendezvous is that you could both potentially feel as though you had never parted, although I urge you to take things slowly should you both wish to rekindle the romance.
Try following my tried and tested psychology trick, by writing two positives before conveying your message and ensuring that you avoid the word I. Your final sentence needs to profusely apologise causing him such despair and heartache. There’s no need to mention about meeting up at this stage.
It’s probably best to obtain a new temporary phone number and set up a second WhatsApp number if he blocked you. When you have a new WhatsApp it is best to add an up-to-date photo and include in your details your name and a new email address, so he doesn’t think that it may be a cruel hoax.
At least by sending a WhatsApp message you should be able to determine when your message has been delivered and read, and is one of the best ways to break the silence.
Be aware that your ex-boyfriend is likely to be on his guard after hearing from you out of the blue. You need to gauge his reaction, as there could be resentment from him if he became horribly disillusioned by being unceremoniously dumped.
HEARTFELT APOLOGY TIME
A full explanation from you about your bad behaviour, which probably ripped out his heart, followed by a sincere apology in person is required to handle your regret.
By offering two choices of when to meet up, rather than a yes or no option, he’s highly probable to take the bait.
If he responds then you’ve managed to prise open the communication channels. You may be able to get the magic between you back following your disappearing act. This will be the start of a journey for you to both try to heal the heartache caused.
Be prepared to receive back an unfriendly reply, which you must not take to heart.
Your response should again feature two positives followed by your overall objective to encourage him to meet up. This should be in a public place that doesn’t serve alcohol, so that nothing nasty is said that would ultimately kill your chances of potentially repairing your romantic relationship.
TIME TO ADMIT REGRET
As you’ve both been on an emotional rollercoaster ride over the past 12 months, then maybe anger has set in and caused zero communication between the two of you.
This silence seems to have salvagely masqueraded the truth that you have remained in love with him since the split. Maybe one of you blocked the other, or perhaps the sour taste of your break-up was so devastating that he didn’t wish to make contact.
Your ultimate goal is clearly to try to rekindle your failed relationship, so only state face-to-face that you wish to shake off your regret of walking out on a man that you have continued to love from afar.
If there is no response from your ex-boyfriend after a week, I urge you to follow up to your initial message in the same vein only this time disclose the reasons for breaking up a year ago.
You are only reaching out as you want to reignite the spark. If he won’t meet up then simply try one more message, again start with two positives followed by a sentence explaining that you should see each in person for closure as it will offer you both peace of mind.
SAVING YOUR HAPPY MEMORIES
Should he still refuse, then you need to accept that you blew it by your actions and need to draw a line under what you had. To achieve this you must file him away, ensuring that he is gone but not forgotten.
Your best approach is to gather all photos you have with him on your cellphone, computer and tablet. Delete those images you don’t like but get the others printed out.
Once you have all of these photos of you two during happier times, place them into a box and hide it away. This action will lift the huge burden of guilt, and after a while you can move forward with your romantic life.
Hopefully you’ll get an opportunity for a tete-a-tete to meet, and the chemistry remains. If you achieve that then discuss your aspirations and goals, ensuring you find out what his future plans are to establish whether these align and you can be a loving couple again.
One last shot, if your rendezvous is not going as smoothly as you had hoped, is to bring up two fabulous times you had together. These can be going to a bar, event, restaurant or even a vacation.
Try to gauge his reaction and body language. If all the signs are positive then this opens up the opportunity for you to boldly suggest that you should repeat one of those. Simply ask him which of these two things he preferred, and try to pencil in replicating whatever made you both happy the first time round.
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