How Do I Stop Being Haunted By My Past?
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Question:
Being unexpectedly swept off my feet a few years ago, there seemed to be an unbreakable bond between me and my then boyfriend.
We had a deep emotional and intellectual connection, making what seemed like ever-lasting memories. Our special relationship was built on mutual trust and support, he even cut and styled my hair!
Although we enjoyed plenty of overseas trips, day-to-day living together would have been preferable. Our magical bond empowered us to plan a future together.
It’s difficult to explain my sudden panic by leaving him without explanation. We have both remained single, at least according to social media posts, and he remains in my heart and head.
On reflection this is a ghost of the past, and is confusing because there’s been zero communication. What’s the best way forward for our broken hearts?
U, Clarendon
Love Doctor’s Answer:
The profound unity between the two lovers whose minds and hearts move is, as you rightly point out, a seemingly unbreakable bond.
What was interesting about your question, which is commendable, is the fact that you never used the word I and instead referred to the two of you. This indicates that you are thinking about you as a couple, and not purely from your own perspective.
Finding someone to share your life and make memories, especially when you least expect a romantic relationship, can be a most marvellous experience. Building this up, like you so obviously did through mutual respect and trust, were the foundations for the future that you two had planned.
You mention that you went on trips, but would have preferred a more settled down type of lifestyle with this man. Maybe he was more of an adventurer, or party animal, than you.
COMMUNICATION MATTERS
Regardless, you should have communicated this to him so that you were in alignment and he could have made you happier. The money spent on taking trips is not exactly cheap nowadays, so any savings from these could have been used on things you need and want.
Good communication is key to ensuring that a loving relationship lasts, and sadly lack of communication between couples is a major downfall that frequently results in a break-up.
You did a vanishing act, which still haunts you. You are still living with guilt, as you have yet to convey to him the reasoning for dumping him, while he lives with the pain from the break-up.
This guilt trip will remain until you do something about it, because you are showing remorse just to yourself.
There could be a number of valid reasons for no communication between you, but one of you needs to bite the bullet.
REACH OUT NOW
My advice is to reach out to your former love interest, ideally through an email or letter so that the relevant information can be read and re-read by him.
You need to make it short, sweet but highly relevant. Make it only five or six sentences, briefly explaining what happened to trigger your actions that resulted in your split. Although you do state that it is tricky to explain this, try to put this into no more than two sentences to your ex-boyfriend.
You should also suggest meeting up, avoid a yes or no response. Leave him to be the man by coming up with potential plans for a rendezvous. Just ensure that you meet in a very public place, which does not serve alcohol, because you don’t want any tears or angry words exchanged.
As your question is very eloquent, my advice is to continue to avoid the word I within your message to your ex-boyfriend.
TIME TO APOLOGISE
This communication should be direct, kicking off with an apology but not dwelling on this because it is negative energy. You should end your email or letter with just the letter of your name, like you submitted for this relationship dilemma, and a single lower case kiss (x).
This communication is a form of closure, although it sounds like you were soulmates and would contemplate giving the romance a second shot.
As you mentioned that the two of you remain single and heartbroken, it does seem foolish not to try and mend what you had to potentially re-enter a full-on romantic relationship.
However long you’ve been apart, you didn’t reveal that, be prepared in case the physical attraction when you meet is missing. This would only be because you are seeing each other in a different perspective. As you dumped him, he will have ultimately gone through all the horrible emotions of being rejected.
FOCUS ON THE FUTURE
Your best bet is to focus on the future, full of positive energy. If you can achieve his forgiveness for the way things ended between you, this will be a huge burden off your shoulders.
Should you both decide that you could make it a go again, then discuss some of those trips that you enjoyed and boldly suggest going back to one of the same places.
The memories of those magical moments shared before should come flooding back, and a vacation could kickstart your romantic journey to creating more happy memories.
Making each other feel special and valued is imperative, although you need to get over the hurdle of winning back his trust from your unceremonious exit.
As he is on your mind and within your heart, you are best to both build up a bond based on shared experiences and improve communication between you.
This needs to begin with an email or letter to apologise, which could lead to the return of your romance although it depends on his thoughts about a possible future together. Regardless, opening up the channels of communication will certainly help you to end your self-inflicted guilt.
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