Could I Be Jeopardising My Relationship?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’m very Christian and have been helping a friend of a friend with her various problems. I’ve been giving her common sense solutions over the past two months rather than life coaching because I’m not qualified.
I’ve not mentioned these occasional chats and messages to my girlfriend of three years because she’s the jealous type.
This woman, who is extremely attractive, wants to cross the island to spend the weekend with me as friends only because she’s newly single.
I don’t wish to upset my girlfriend and I don’t want to deceive her. There’s nothing romantic between me and this woman. How do I tackle this without any problems caused?
Darren, St. Mary
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Helping someone of the opposite gender, especially someone single and attractive-looking, can open up a can of worms as any lady you are romantically involved with won’t take kindly to your genuine kind-heartedness.
If you can backtrack from this scenario, by making yourself less available to her problems, then she will stop relying on you as a shoulder to cry on.
My advice is to swiftly inform your mutual friend that this lady needs emotional support, and being newly single makes you feel uncomfortable.
It’s best to explain to your mutual friend that, although you would love to continue to help this lady, her arrival — even for a quick weekend break — would set tongues wagging and seriously jeopardise your current loving relationship.
You must think this through, because it’s not easy for your partner to swallow the fact that you have been engaging in conversation with another lady. She would see this as cheating and deem it as deceit. So stop the communication as soon as possible.
Love is a leap of faith, and you don’t need to make changes from your current loving partnership. It’s essential that you must not jeopardise this.
Otherwise, it could all end in tears, and you don’t want to upset your girlfriend. You obviously realise that this is a mistake by you, which is why you are seeking a solution.
I urge you to involve your mutual friend, you should be able to intervene. It can be explained to this lady, by your friend, that you are in a long-term relationship and that your girlfriend would disapprove of another woman spending time with you.
I appreciate that you are trying to be the good guy by genuinely helping someone in need, but the fact is her sudden arrival at yours could end in disaster for you and your partner.
Although I understand that you are Christian and have her best interests at heart, unfortunately to many outsiders it could look as though you are being a bit of a player.
For many people men and ladies can’t just be friends, there is normally an intention for sparking up a romantic relationship. She may well see you as the solution to get some romance back into her life.
The fact that this lady is newly single and emotionally vulnerable does mean that she could see you as her saviour romantically. You really don’t want to put yourself into this situation, which most likely would cause complications and down the line leave you being a single man.
You have to put your happiness first, and think about what you’ve build up over the years with your partner.
I suggest that you put yourself in your girlfriend’s shoes. Try to comprehend how you would feel if she had an attractive, single man coming to stay with her and kept it a secret. How would you react if you found out?
Communication and trust are key to a solid relationship moving forward. You obviously love your girlfriend, but you have got your priorities wrong in this situation if you are seriously entertaining spending a weekend with this stranger.
Should this lady visit and your girlfriend discovers this, then you are most likely going to end up pushing her away and may lose her forever.
It’s really not worth the potential arguments and forever losing her trust. A rapid U-turn is required with this stranger, and she should fully understand your predicament as she wouldn’t want to tread on your partner’s toes. Unless she has romantic intentions towards you and will be trying to become more than friends.
Be the man, make a decision and don’t ever find yourself in a tricky scenario again by helping out a single lady while you are enamoured in a relationship. The last thing you want to do is for your partnership to come crashing down because you weren’t direct enough.
I urge you to backtrack and do what’s best for your relationship. Concentrate on the continuous renewal of your genuine intentions and channel your energy to adore, cherish and support your long-term girlfriend rather than risk losing it over showing kindness to a stranger.
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