Jamaican Coolie

I got to admit to myself, I have a problem.

Not any trite problem but a real, serious problem…so deep seated in me that when I stare in the mirror it stares back at me.

You see the problem is me…the way I see myself and the way I perceive you see me.

The way you just categorize me in this racist compartmentalization without acknowledgement of my heritage ..my ethnicity.. My culture.. My upbringing and my DNA.

When I was younger, I always thought that I could bleach away the bumps on my face. It was the age of the browning phenomenon too and I was caught up with looking as cool as a cucumber, something Nadinola  promised to do. I didn’t hate my complexion. I didn’t try to be white but I tried to tone up fi look bump free and look nice.

I really wasn’t taught to value my complexion, so I couldn’t stare in the mirror without only seeing the flaws in my reflection. I thought my skin wasn’t even enough because ‘di b*tty jaw was black’. Black B*tty jaw is a no no in Jamaica, so I tried rub and rub I did, but even now it still black.

But mi pass that phase and went back to being color blind and accepted the “black b*tty jaw”. Then   I changed my mind and wanted to be darker not “black like tar” but the smooth creamy chocolate complexion black, because being caramel wasn’t right for the model spotlight.

So I wore sunscreen and stayed in the sunlight so I could  catch the right sight but as much as I tried, the tan would not stay so I had to just “rally back and relax”.

Fast forward nuff years later, mi left yaad fi find out mi still have di same problem because when mi fi tick the box fi identify miself, mi don’t know which one fi choose.

The decision turns my struggles inside out. How dem really  expect me to pick one when mi mix up mix up and blend up, mi outta many one people..dem outta orda.

Mi caan chose that mi white even though mi have Irish and English blood .

If me tick seh mi black or African American unno a go lock mi up fi lie because even though mi have African ancestors, mi still need visa fi come yah.

Mi caan chose Native American Indian because me know mi tribe and mi still need visa fi come yah.

And even though mi a islander, mi island not in di Pacific, check the Caribbean sea.

So mi chose Asia because mi have “white liver”..and “the good hair”.. But still run inna problem because dem seh mi caan be Asian because mi black a no the right shade and di hair need fi be better so mi just tick another box called “other” and write beside it “mi a Jamaican coolie with white liver and white kidney”.

By Yowame – Check out her blog here

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