I Want To Be A Mother But He Doesn’t Want Another Child – Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I met a man who I’ve fallen head over heels with but there is one issue, I want to be a mother and he doesn’t want a child.
He’s aged 40 so five years older than me and he has one young son by his deceased wife.
This is a stumbling block to move forward, but I love him even though we started dating less than a month ago and I’m elated by our fresh romance. What’s your advice?
Paris – St Ann
Love Doctor’s Answer
Less than a month into your new romantic relationship is too early to truly consider this will be forever, as you are only in your honeymoon stage.
I agree it is important to iron out differences in terms of aspirations, such as having children, although I suggest at such an early stage it is best to simply enjoying each other’s company. You need to learn to walk before you can run.
During these times of uncertainly, because of the coronavirus outbreak and lockdowns, there have been tons of relationships destroyed by couples spending too much together. And on the other hand there has been a plethora of relationships rapidly blossoming, but built on the foundations of desperation and loneliness.
He has suffered the heartbreak of becoming a widow, and his son will be grieving too, so you really shouldn’t rush this relationship otherwise you will find yourself being pushed away by appearing too eager to part of their lives. My suggestion is to slow down with your notions and emotions, let this romance develop organically.
If you want to become a mother yourself, as and when this relationship develops, he may reconsider fatherhood. However, he probably feels at this stage that it would be disloyal to his deceased wife and his young son.
So if your sex appeal is your standout asset to this new boyfriend, then be careful that he doesn’t deem you as nothing more than a casual sex girlfriend until some other woman turns his head.
The majority of men wish to date and marry women who remind them of their mothers. Look at the men you know who are involved in a long-term relationship or married, and I expect you to see women who boast a handful of similar attributes to their respective man’s mother.
My advice is you should find out more about his mother to discover any similarities between the two of you. If you can remind this man of his mother’s traits, obviously not physically, this is when his barriers will be down because consciously and/or subconsciously his mind will place you in the category of long-term girlfriend or potential wife material.
Question:
I saw my girlfriend today for the first time in months for what was only our third ever date, but I seem to have upset her.
She appeared to be unhappy with me after I called her sweetie. After our date I received a text from her that said “We have to talk, but let’s not chat for a fortnight.”
What’s a man to do? I like this girl and with the coronavirus outbreak resulting in social distancing it’s going to be near impossible to meet any more women.
Roy – Clarendon
Love Doctor’s Answer
It would appear that you used the term of endearment of the word ‘sweetie’ too soon within the infancy of your relationship, and this was obviously for the first time.
In the dating world you need to know that generally ladies like to be the only ones to call the shots about whether the relationship is going to develop romantically. One of the many ways that ladies wish to give out vibes that they like the man is by calling them a term of endearment such as darling, honeybun, love, sweetie etc.
However, unless a man has been given other clear signals that the lady likes him then he should hold back before using the word ‘sweetie’ or anything similar until he has been given a term of endearment first.
Now you are aware of your error of judgement you urgently need a solution to rectify this. The great news is that you have a fortnight to be able to get yourself out of this mess.
My advice is to firstly accept that this girlfriend doesn’t want communication. Show her the respect she requested by not contacting her. She will probably become perplexed not to hear from you, so when she messages ensure that you only put one word answers such as alright, correct, indeed, okay, yes, no and so forth followed by a single lower case kiss sign of an x. By doing that you will wrestle back control and get her really thinking.
Never forget that after the early stages of dating if a lady wants a romance then she’ll be the one doing the chasing. But with roles reversed, the more a man does the chasing often the faster the lady runs.
Either your new girlfriend was having a bad day, maybe even suffering from her womanly monthly cycle, or she got the huff that you tried to force the relationship quicker than she anticipated by almost innocently using the word sweetie.
Your fortnight of freedom from this lady needs to be utilised to inject this word sweetie into your everyday working vocabulary. My suggestion is that you litter your Facebook and/or other social media comments with the very word that caused her offence. But be careful, don’t put sweetie to any ex-girlfriends nor to any potential girlfriends, just people that you know well enough such as family members and long-term friends.
When she sees that you use the word sweetie on social media channels she is likely to backtrack on having a fortnight’s silence. Your plan should also be to continue to use the word sweetie if and when you do get to meet up, for example call any females you come across together sweetie such as at the supermarket or at the bar by saying ‘”Excuse me sweetie” or “Thanks sweetie”.
Life is a learning curve, learn from these mistakes but wherever there’s a problem, often there’s a logical solution even when it comes to love and romance.
Question:
I would like to meet a good man and Jamaica has some treasures, but seemingly not in the bachelor department.
My past three boyfriends weren’t the sort that my mother would approve of and I dumped the last one as he started taking weed shortly after we started courting.
I only want a nice man who can take good care of his mind and body. I have a steady career but the men I meet are in relationships, and at work it would be frowned on to be romantically involved. I don’t want to try dating sites.
Help me unearth my treasure and guide me to happiness.
Cheryl – Kingston 11
Love Doctor’s Answer
Not all Jamaican men are outrageous flirts and romantically disloyal, but you need to be focused on why you seem to be dating those who are clearly unsuitable if your mother wouldn’t approve of them.
You need to consider where you are meeting these men. If you are looking in the wrong ponds then however many frogs you kiss you’ll never meet your Prince Charming. Alter your current search tactics to find someone who ticks all the boxes for you. For example, once social distancing isn’t an issue, if you want to meet an athletic type then you need to visit somewhere like the golf club, local gym, tennis club, swimming pool etc. Here you will find in abundance the sort of men who will take care of his body and hopefully mind.
You really need to build a list of the traits that you are seeking in an ideal suitor, but be realistic as you need to offer this dream man value to a potential relationship too because a romance is not a one-way street.
Jamaican men may be possessive in relationships and have a short fuse, but they tend to be family-focused, hard working and love their food amongst other assets.
Finding someone that fits your criteria is unlikely to be out and about at bars and dancehalls around the Kingston area, but the capital’s upmarket hotels – such as my favourite haunt of the Jamaica Pegasus – tend to be busy with singles on Friday and Saturday evenings so are worth a visit. The Pegasus has a pool too, so maybe try a Saturday lunchtime visit to check out those men swimming to keep fit.
You should master your flirting skills and conversation starters for when you do meet someone that catches your eye, whether he appears in a bank queue or the supermarket. But again social distancing and protective face masks makes this trickier than usual.
Many of my single friends in the past, if they continue to be unsuccessful in finding the perfect partner because they set unrealistic targets, have searched my Facebook friends then asked whether the person they spotted was a good match with them. Lots of successful blind dates have been set up this way, and my advice is if you try this method you can search for exactly your type of man as you possibly unearth your seemingly hidden treasure on the island.
Question:
I need an opening gambit for a pair of hotties. There’s a woman at work I like and a supermarket checkout lady that always gives me a smile and a wave. I’ve noticed neither sport a wedding ring, which gives me the all clear to chat them up.
During the day I cannot stop thinking of how lonely I am since social distancing came along in March, and I meet no one that I can talk to anymore so I need your guidance to get a conversation rolling with these two.
Errol – St Andrew
Love Doctor’s Answer
Both of these settings are task oriented, which is far from ideal as neither are a good place to stop and chat. Unfortunately the wrong approach could dent your confidence if it turned out to be a pretty one-sided conversation.
However, never fear help is at hand but ensure that you keep eye contact, smile and deliver your words with aplomb rather than appear cringeworthy.
My personal favourite line tends to get a response because it is reflects my cheekiness, shows interest and results in a smile back. Try this for exceptional results “What sort of trouble are you getting into this weekend?” (or if more appropriate when asked on a Monday or Tuesday “What sort of trouble did you get into this weekend?”).
At work you don’t want to be seen as the office flirt and you won’t wish to sound pushy, so here’s the best line to try that can be deemed innocently friendly while also gauging any romantic interest.
“Where’s your favourite place to hang out in Kingston?” will show whether she discusses bars, dancehalls, restaurants, sight-seeing spots or even shops. Either way you can get the ball rolling by joining in the conversation and asking if she has tried a particular bar or restaurant. Be prepared to jump in with the words “Maybe we should visit there sometime”. You will have the answer from her that will establish whether or not you are potential boyfriend material.
At the supermarket you can be more flirty and fun, but my advice is to build up the conversation gradually rather than one foul swoop – especially with people queuing up behind you.
Maybe try to kick off the conversation with “As you’re always smiling, I’d love to hear about something what’s made you laugh this week”. This gambit should break the ice as you started by handing her a compliment and she is bound to have a story that you can both have a chuckle about. This will make you stand out from other men who will be trying their dated chat-up lines on this friendly lady.
On your next visit then find out more about her by asking “Just out of interest, what’s the first thing you do to relax after you finish work?” This establishes that you are interested in her romantically, and when quizzed how they chill, the majority of people feel relaxed. This question should also lead to some banter.
When you are ready to notch it up a gear and realise that you have a genuine connection then it is time to ask “Do you prefer cellphone calls, texting, emailing or WhatsApp?” You can then follow up her response by being direct and asking for her cellphone number or email address to organise a date.
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