Confessions of a Backslider
*gasp*
The B-word.
That’s right, folks…I’m a backslider.
Gather ‘round and let me tell you all about it.
***
I never realized this word applied to me until about a few months ago when I had to reach for it to answer some questions I have to field very often nowadays, “So…what are you doing these days???? Do you still sing? What church do you go to now?”
In response, the B-word slipped easily from my mouth; no shame, no hesitation. I used it as a joke, a huge smile draping my face. It was only when I saw the look of confusion and disbelief that I was able to recall the real-world connotation of this word: dirty, negative, in need of special prayer and to be spoken of in terms of grave seriousness.
{Oh yeah, I forgot…}
I’ve never really cared that I was a “backslider”.
There was no radical event. I don’t know how to respond when people ask me, “What happened?!”
Nothing happened. I was just living my life, and I still am now.
But since I used the term, it’s been mulling around in my head, and I’ve had to confront it, and decide how I feel about it.
***
I’ve written before about how language shapes the way we think.
The term “backslider”, apart from invoking very obvious imagery of regression – going backwards – comes with all the baggage of feeling like you’ve done something wrong for some vague, unknowable reason. No matter how you spin it, being a backslider isn’t something to be proud of, it’s something to be ashamed of.
You’ve gone backwards, man. Step yo game up. Get back on track.
You label someone a backslider, and they in turn are supposed to – at least in theory – hold down their heads and go back to living their wicked lives, maybe not out of mind, but ideally out of sight.
A backslider can be proud of their life now, but not too proud.
That word carries with it an unshakable burden, and that is: shame.
No matter how much you’ve accomplished since or how amazing of a person you are, there’s something about that word that will reach out to some primordial part of you, grab it, and make you feel like you’ve somehow stepped out of place.
But, (and the limitations of language prevent me from saying this as emphatically as I feel it, so just imagine me jumping on a settee like Tom Cruise on that one episode of The Oprah Show and shouting it into your face) THERE’S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT!
All of life is a journey, and we’re all on individual paths.
A “backslider” hasn’t gone back to…anywhere. They’ve gone forward and moved on with their life – as we all do. It’s just that perhaps their life journey doesn’t look the way it was expected to. And you know what they say about expectations.
You don’t?
Well…they say something about them leading to disappointment…or something like that.
***
A “backslider” will always be someone who has gone BACK. So, maybe, in this day and age, it’s time to come up with a different term?
An alternate path seeker?
An explorer?
A forward-goer?
I’d love to see the day when someone can go to their church congregation, tell them they’re seeking out an alternative spiritual path and – in true love and acceptance – the congregation throws them a festive “Going Away” party, and wishes them all the best in their new spiritual journey.
How about introducing this person as a brave and bold seeker, someone to be encouraged on an exciting new path? Too radical? Why?
{It’s my way or the highway}
Although a quick glance at the many and varied belief systems of the world should crush this belief into nonexistence, the dichotomy still seems to be ever-present in all things: black or white; right or wrong; good or evil; us vs. them.
{If you’re not with us, you’re against us}
You see it all the time, whether it’s the people who think of ‘backsliders’ in a derogatory way, or the people who mock religious belief. It’s notconcern; it’s two different sides of the same coin: good, old-fashioned condescension.
{I know more than you…I’m better than you}
***
Look, it’s already too played-out to call religious people hypocrites. We’re all hypocritical, in some ways, and if you’re thinking “except me” – well you’ve found your way.
But the rhetoric of the ‘backslider’ as someone in need of piety, pity or prayer is paternalistic and patronizing. The idea that the ‘backslider’ is in more dire need of help than say, you yourself, is just another mirage. It’s a way for your brain to claim points and place itself above someone else.
Non-religious people do this too. The condescension and lack of respect for religious belief that I’ve heard from irreligious people sometimes is truly breathtaking. (In that I’ve done it too and then choked on my spit, having it effectively take my breath away – at least for a few seconds.)
But in all seriousness, we all like to feel good about who we are and, unfortunately, one of the ways we do that is by trying to put others beneath ourselves. But you’re not better than anyone else. You don’t know anything. I don’t know anything. We’re all idiots trying to figure things out.
The best we can all do is try to live and love each other – and this means accepting all the twists and turns that come along with life, trusting God or Bhagwan or Allah or the Universe or yourself (or whatever!) that it will all work out in the end.
***
Despite the confessional tone of my title (i.e., it literally contains the word “confessions”) I didn’t write this as an apology, and I don’t feel guilty of anything.
I’ve just learnt to be clickbait-y guys; like cats, it’s a feature of the Internet.
Will this make them like me?
I wrote this to ask: can we please get rid of this word? It sucks.
And also to say to my fellow ‘backsliders’: There is validity to your journey. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
***
Are you a ‘backslider’? Feel like sharing your experience? You can do so below!
Share this blog post in solidarity with all the explorers! You never know who might need a word of encouragement, or a simple reminder that they are not alone.
Danielle – Check out her Blog HERE || Twitter: @deeatee
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